If you’ve done anything that’s triggered these feelings, you might apologize for having done that. Your apology doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong, but it does acknowledge that you’ve caused her pain. Validating her feelings doesn’t mean agreeing with her. [3] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. It could be as simple as repeating back what she said so that she knows you understand her feelings. For example, you might say, “I understand that you get jealous when I go out with my co-workers without you. “[4] X Research source
For example, if she gets anxious unless she knows where you are at all hours of the day, you might share with her a copy of your schedule. You might also agree to text her any time you’re traveling to let her know that you reached your destination safely. Talk openly about the reasons that she engages in jealous behaviors so that you can come up with solutions together. A couples counselor or therapist can help you with this if you don’t feel comfortable doing it by yourself.
Acknowledge that you haven’t been honest in the past, rather than trying to diminish it. Tell her you understand how it might be difficult for her to trust you and ask for things you can do that would increase her trust in you. Being dependable and reliable is one way to build trust. For example, if you tell her you’re going to meet her at 10:00 a. m. , be there a little early. If she knows she can depend on you to do what you say, she’ll start to trust you a little more.
This doesn’t mean that she needs to instantly become best friends with all of your friends. But if she hangs out with them occasionally and feels comfortable around them, she’ll be much less likely to think something’s going on. Another part of this is that if she doesn’t know your friends or family, she might feel as though you’re ashamed of her or don’t think she’s good enough for them. Introducing her and letting them hang out together proves to her pretty quickly that you don’t think that way. It also makes her feel more a part of your life.
Introduce her to your friends as your girlfriend and say something nice about her or mention why she’s there. For example, if you’re going out bowling with your buddies, you might bring her along. You could say, “Hey guys, this is my girlfriend, Julia—she won a bowling trophy when she was 12 and she’s really excited to show us how terrible we all are. " If you didn’t take her with you, shoot her a text at some point. For example, you might take a picture of a friend doing something goofy and say, “That’s Roger for ya—he’ll do anything for a laugh!” The point of sending a text is not to “check in,” but to help her feel as though she’s involved and a part of what’s going on, even though she’s not there.
When you spend time together, put your phone away and give her (or whatever you’re doing together) your undivided attention. She’ll notice that and understand that you want to spend time with her. Little routines can also help show her how important the relationship is to you. For example, if you live together, you might start getting up a little earlier so the two of you can make and eat breakfast together.
For example, you might say, “I understand that I upset you when I didn’t call to tell you I’d be running late. I’m sure you had a million things running through your head! I need to take your feelings more into consideration. " Sometimes, a reassuring hug might help her feel better. Ask her if she wants you to hug her, then tell her that you love her and care for her.
For example, perhaps she tells you that her ex always went into another room to take phone calls. She later learned those calls were from the person they were cheating on her with. When you take calls in another room, she thinks you’re cheating on her. You might have an innocent explanation, such as simply feeling uncomfortable talking on the phone when there’s someone else in the room. But you can eliminate the trigger by telling or showing her who you’re talking to. For example, when your phone rings, you might say, “Excuse me, this is my mom. I’m going to take it in the other room. "
For example, if you come from a wealthy family and she didn’t, she might worry that you’ll leave her for someone else who shares your background and privileges. Other factors come into play as well. For example, if you are of different races, she might feel insecure about that and worry that you’ll leave her for someone of your own race with whom you have a shared life experience. If her issues stem from past relationships or trauma, she might want to talk to a therapist who can help her sort those things out.
For example, when she says another girl has prettier eyes than she does, you might say, “But her eyes don’t sparkle the way yours do. Your eyes show what a thoughtful and caring person you are. " People who tend to act on their jealousy also tend to be people who constantly compare themselves to others—and usually find that they come up short. If she always thinks others are prettier, cooler, or smarter, she’s likely to wonder why you’re with her when you could be with them.
Childhood abuse or neglect can lead to a more anxious attachment style, which also leads to more jealous behaviors. [17] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source A therapist can help her talk through these issues in a productive way. Keep in mind that even though you love her and can listen as she talks through her problems, you’re not her therapist—nor are you a substitute for one. If money is a problem, she might check into online or app-based services, which tend to be cheaper than live one-on-one therapy. Universities, nonprofits, and community organizations also offer affordable therapy options.
